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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.